WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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