I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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