I just pynch a tree in the face
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
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