My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
