trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
