Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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