I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
