If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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