How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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