Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
