what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
