So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
