I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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