Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
