First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Randomize
