I wish I could teleport
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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