I want to make a zoo with you.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
