May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
