R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
