Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
