Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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