just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Randomize
