i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
