so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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