the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Randomize
