I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
