Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Drunk is not a location!
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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