I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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