if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Randomize
