I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
The struggles of a small town man whore
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
