RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
