Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
