I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
