When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
