I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Randomize
