This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
where are my eyebrows?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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