The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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