when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
