first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
