So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
