I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
