FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Randomize
