Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
