I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
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