Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
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In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
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Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
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