you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
My vagina is very pro this idea
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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