yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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