Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Randomize