I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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