this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
