I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
